5min read
Helping children through a divorce or separation
Family breakups are incredibly tough, especially on children. Understanding their thoughts and feelings is important. Our advice can help you navigate what do they need to know and how you can continue to be a supportive parent during this challenging time.
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Being honest with your children
It is really important to talk to your children about what is happening with your relationship and to be honest with them. They don’t necessarily need to know all the details about why your relationship has broken down but rather what is going to happen next. Younger children may be happy with fewer details, but you can give older children more information if you feel it helps.
Let your children know that they can talk to you about their feelings. They may feel angry or sad, but it’s important that they know it is okay and normal for them to feel that way. Children need to know that you will still both be their parents and that you will always put their needs first and love them.
Keep to your normal family routines
Stick to your normal routines as much as possible, such as mealtimes, bedtimes, and things they do after school. This can really help to make things feel more normal even if emotionally things are a bit up in the air. It helps to make sure that things which are important to your children such as school and friends are still a priority. Children are always affected by divorce and separation but as long as you ensure they have regular contact with you and your ex-partner it can be easier for the children to cope during this challenging time.
The impact on children
Research shows that one of the things which affects children most when parents are separating is when there is conflict between you and your partner and when there is difficulty with your child seeing one of the parents. So, it’s important to ensure both you and your ex-partner have regular contact with your children, unless there are issues around child protection. It’s also important that you don’t blame your partner for the break-down of your relationship or put them down in front of the children. If children sense the negative feelings it can impact on their emotional health and behaviour. For a child, the new change may feel traumatic, so helping them unpick their feelings in a more manageable way can help them start the healing process. Building your child’s resilience can also help them deal with the separation and teach them necessary life skills.
Talking to teens about divorce
As teenagers develop, they often form their own opinions about their parents’ relationship. They might also feel pressure to choose sides. While it's normal for teens to experience mood swings and challenges, it's important to remember that these aren't solely caused by the divorce or separation.
Your teen may express anger towards you. It's essential to validate their feelings and let them know it's okay to be upset. However, reassure them that what has gone wrong in your relationship doesn’t have to happen in all relationships and sometimes life can bring about challenges.
Involving children in decisions
Whenever possible, let your children have a say in decisions that affect them. For major issues like education, it's important to establish clear guidelines with your ex-partner. Once you've agreed on a parenting plan, whether it's for a year or a shorter period, use a calendar to help your children visualise their time. This can ease the transition between homes.
Remember, children's needs change as they grow. What works for a young child might not suit a teenager. Be flexible and open to discussing new arrangements. Younger children often benefit from frequent, shorter visits, while older children might prefer longer, less frequent visits. Regular contact through email, phone, or holidays can be important.
Pay attention to how your children are coping. If they seem moody or withdrawn, it could be due to the changes in their lives. Create a calm space to talk about their feelings. Reassure them that it's normal to feel confused or upset. By involving them in decision-making, you can help them feel more in control and secure.
Further resources
If you would like further support and advice, call our helpline on 0808 800 2222 or email us at askus@familylives.org.uk. You can talk to us online via our live chat service, which is open, Monday to Friday between 10.30am and 9pm. You may find it helps to find out how other parents and carers have coped with this on our online forums. We also have a range of free online parenting courses that can help through the ages and stages of parenting.
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