Helping children through a divorce or separation

Being honest with your children

It is really important to talk to your children about what is happening with your relationship and to be honest with them. They don’t necessarily need to know all the details about why your relationship has broken down but rather what is going to happen next. Younger children may be happy with fewer details, but you can give older children more information if you feel it helps.

Let your children know that they can talk to you about their feelings. They may feel angry or sad, but it’s important that they know it is okay and normal for them to feel that way. Children need to know that you will still both be their parents and that you will always put their needs first and love them.

The impact on children

Research shows that one of the things which affects children most when parents are separating is when there is conflict between you and your partner and when there is difficulty with your child seeing one of the parents. So, it’s important to ensure both you and your ex-partner have regular contact with your children, unless there are issues around child protection. It’s also important that you don’t blame your partner for the break-down of your relationship or put them down in front of the children. If children sense the negative feelings it can impact on their emotional health and behaviour. For a child, the new change may feel traumatic, so helping them unpick their feelings in a more manageable way can help them start the healing process. Building your child’s resilience can also help them deal with the separation and teach them necessary life skills.

Involving children in decisions

Whenever possible, let your children have a say in decisions that affect them. For major issues like education, it's important to establish clear guidelines with your ex-partner. Once you've agreed on a parenting plan, whether it's for a year or a shorter period, use a calendar to help your children visualise their time. This can ease the transition between homes.

Remember, children's needs change as they grow. What works for a young child might not suit a teenager. Be flexible and open to discussing new arrangements. Younger children often benefit from frequent, shorter visits, while older children might prefer longer, less frequent visits. Regular contact through email, phone, or holidays can be important.

Pay attention to how your children are coping. If they seem moody or withdrawn, it could be due to the changes in their lives. Create a calm space to talk about their feelings. Reassure them that it's normal to feel confused or upset. By involving them in decision-making, you can help them feel more in control and secure.