Helping your child cope with traumatic events

Understanding their response

It is not uncommon for a child to display negative behaviour after experiencing something traumatic. Their emotions may feel more erratic, or they may show signs of aggression or anger. They may become very clingy or regress in their behaviours or act distant. These are some of the signs that they may be struggling with their feelings.  

Negative behaviour is the result of negative feelings, so try your best to remain calm and try to identify what it is that they need from you. Remind yourself that they are not doing it to be naughty or defiant and this may be their way of coping with a difficult situation.  

If your child is scared or overwhelmed, you may notice they have some physical symptoms such as tummy aches or headaches. They may avoid social situations and withdraw from their friends. They may lose their appetite or want to comfort eat. This may indicate that they are feeling anxious. 

Supporting younger children

Young children are still developing the skills required to express their feelings and may not know the words to use. Encouraging them to draw their feelings or act them out may help them communicate how they are really feeling.  

If you notice a particular behaviour, help your child name this feeling, for example, “You look like you may be feeling confused right now. That’s OK, would you like to talk about it?  

If your child is withdrawn and struggling to talk about their feelings, ask them to talk about how their favourite toy is feeling. Ask them what their toy needs from them, as if they suggest toy needs a hug, you can be sure they need a hug too.  You may notice that your young child has regressed. This is not unusual and is a natural response for some children. This will pass once they feel more secure.

Supporting teens

Teenagers may feel depressed, anxious or distant. They may isolate themselves or engage in risky behaviour such as drinking, staying out late, etc. to distract themselves from the pain they are feeling.   

If you think they are trying to hide from their feelings, try to understand why and encourage them to express them so you can validate them. Reassure them that what they are feeling is ok. You may want to talk about your own feelings to help them open up to you. They may prefer talking to their friends or another trusted adult.  

If your child is struggling with school, talk with their teacher or head of year to see if they can access pastoral support. The school may be able to provide some quiet space during the school day if they are feeling overwhelmed.  

If your teenager is blaming themselves, or somehow feels responsible, try and understand why they feel this way and talk through the facts. It is not unusual for us to distort our thinking when we are feeling anxious, so they may see a situation in its extreme form rather that factually.  

Building resilience

We can’t always protect our children but we can build their resilience so they can cope with life stresses and challenges going forward. Children are capable of coping with adversity and will often follow their parents’ lead. It is important to remain calm and help them develop coping skills. Encourage them to reach out when they need support and let them know that being brave can also mean having the courage to ask for help and support when they need it. 

Give them opportunities to take control of a situation and make their own decisions that are age appropriate and at their own pace. Thinking and acting independently is a life skill and it helps children to learn and grow their confidence through their own experience.  

Practising breathing techniques with your child can help them feel safe and manage overwhelming thoughts and feelings. It is important to also look after your own mental health too after such an event, as this will also enable you to support your child. 

Other organisations that can help

Better Your Life has lots of advice and resources about child and adult anxiety 

Mind has lots of useful advice about mindfulness and mental health 

NHS also has lots of advice about mindfulness and health 

This article was written by Jennifer Roblin, an anxiety relief therapist and confidence coach at Better Your Life.