6min read
Managing sibling jealousy
It can be difficult for older children to accept a new addition to the family. They can feel left out at the arrival of this demanding bundle that takes up their parent's attention round the clock. No matter how well you prepare your children for the arrival of a new baby, it can still be a shock. This is all perfectly natural and is their way of expressing their feelings of frustration, and confusion about their role in your life and their place in the family.
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Supporting their emotions
It is common for children to regress back to younger behaviours such as bedwetting, not sleeping, etc and this may be how they manage the adjustment. It is completely normal for older siblings to react in this way to the arrival of a new baby and should not in any way affect their future relationship.
Helping them manage their feelings by carving out some special one to one time with them so they do not feel left out. Give them lots of hugs and kisses so they know how much you love and care for them. If your children are at reading stage, consider getting books about siblings from the library. Even if your child appears to be independent and capable of doing many things for themselves and without your constant attention, they still need your love and interest just as much as before – maybe now more than ever.
Getting them involved early
Introducing a young child to their new sibling can be a special moment. They may be feeling excited, curious but also worried. They may be worried that they are going to be replaced or not special anymore. These feelings are natural as it is a big change for them to process.
It can really help to involve the child as early as possible and allow them to be a part of the pregnancy as much as possible. Encouraging them to talk to the baby bump can help them form a relationship with the baby. Sharing the pregnancy weekly milestones can help them feel a part of this too. Ask your child to help with the shopping for baby clothes, equipment and furniture and they may want to buy the new baby a present. It also may help to buy an additional gift from the baby to their new big brother or sister.
The moment they meet
When you bring the baby home, keep the atmosphere calm and positive, encouraging gentle interactions like touching the baby's hand or talking softly to them and this can help them foster a bond with the baby. They can give the baby their special gift and get one back! Involve them in the nappy changes or feeding times so they feel a part of it rather than pushed out. Encourage the wider family to take your child out if they need some time out of the home for a few hours.
Taking a positive approach
If you haven’t had your baby yet, prepare your child for the arrival of the new baby. It might help to look at a children’s book about the subject together. Look through old baby pictures of your first child with them, so they remember that they too had all the same attention and care that the new baby is receiving.
If you can, try to spend some time alone with your older child on a regular basis, so they don’t feel they need to compete for your attention. Allow your older child to be an active part of the baby’s life, by letting them help with looking after their baby brother or sister like helping to change a nappy or reading to them.
When dealing with a toddler, try to make them figure out their own solutions rather than giving in to their demands all the time. If they are disturbing you whilst you’re trying to feed the baby, ask them to play where the baby can’t get in their way, making them feel they can do things the baby can’t, which reminds them that there are perks to getting bigger!
Avoid making any major changes to your child’s routine when the baby first comes along, such as their sleeping arrangements; try to do this a couple of months before the birth or a few months after the new arrival.
Try not to punish your older child, as this may lead to them feeling more resentful towards the baby. Hopefully this should encourage them to open up to you a bit more and feel comforted by the fact that you want to know how to help them feel better.
By responding with patience and understanding, your child will start to feel secure again and know that by making room for a new member of the family, they are not giving up their place or getting any less love from you. This will help them to accept the baby and start to see that they are also a part of their life, in their role as big brother or sister.
If friends and family are buying gifts for the new baby, it may be an idea to get some gifts to give to your child too, so they don't feel left out. You might also want to make up a little box full of treats and fun activities, books and toys from the baby to your child.
Further resources
If you would like further support and advice, call our helpline on 0808 800 2222 or email us at askus@familylives.org.uk. You can talk to us online via our live chat service or message us via WhatsApp on 07441 444125 to connect with experienced professional family support workers and highly-trained volunteers. You may find it helps to find out how other parents and carers have coped with this on our online forums. We also have a range of free self-guided online parenting courses that can help through the ages and stages of parenting.
Our online parenting information is written by experienced parenting professionals. Find out more about our content authors, how it is produced, reviewed and edited.
Other organisations that may be useful
Visit the NCT website for ten top tips on managing sibling jealousy
Read this advice from Bounty on introducing a new baby to siblings
Access our free, online and innovative New Baby in the Family course. Based on our forty years’ experience working with parents and families, our course has four modules with helpful ideas and resources to help you feel a happier and confident parent. If you are looking for play ideas, our free online parenting course Lets's Play can help you create play ideas to aid your child's development.