Managing aggression in your children
It is important to try and set some time aside to find out if they are struggling with this, it might not be easy for them to open up straight away and you may have to keep approaching them gently until they can open up. You might want to leave a book for them to write their feelings in if they do find it hard to talk. If they are not much of a writer, maybe give them a memory stick and they can store their thoughts digitally. Let them know that you love them very much and are there for them but need them to meet you halfway. You can ask them questions that will help them to explore their anger, like how it makes them feel when they hit that point, how it makes them feel after, etc.
Feeling angry and upset at times is natural and acceptable and most people do at some point or another, so let your child know this. Try to acknowledge their feelings, but set limits: "I know you feel angry, but I don’t want to see any hitting; biting; shouting or swearing."
Keep a diary so you can write down the incidents as there may be a pattern and note down the triggers. Are there particular events that set your child off? If you start to see when, you can sometimes work out why.
If children see problems solved with raised voices or fists, they learn to follow suit. If you want to stop a child being violent, you may first have to address what is happening around them, it may be difficult to explore this but if there is conflict in your family life or perhaps communication is often through shouting, they may have learned this behaviour.
Learn how to defuse an angry situation. Lower your voice instead of shouting and look them in the eye. Talk with and listen to your child when they’re calm. Look at why they might be feeling bad before looking at what they may do to control their behaviour.
You can’t wave a magic wand and vanish away a child’s unhappy feelings. What you can do is help them learn how to manage what they do about them. So encourage them to say, "I feel angry/left out/put down", instead of hitting out.
It isn’t easy loving or showing affection for a child who is being hurtful. But they need to be shown that they are acceptable. Separate who they are from what they do by saying, "I love you and always will, but I don’t love what you’re doing."
Be positive and praise them when they do well. Blaming, shaming, or punishing children can make them feel worse about themselves and so even more aggressive.
Further resources
Coping with a potentially violent child is very challenging and no parent should expect to have to do this alone. You can get support from us directly from one of our family support workers via our helpline on 0808 800 2222, or you can email us at askus@familylives.org.uk or talk to us online via our live chat service.
Watch our video on dealing with difficult behaviour from your child or teen