Strategies that may help
Plenty of positive attention: Praising positive behaviour by being specific and ignoring minor naughtiness will encourage a child to seek positive attention.
Mum: “It was so helpful to me that you played so nicely with your brother while I answered the phone. Look how happy you have made him. Thank you.”
Star charts and rewards: Help teach your child the concept of delayed gratification. Your child learns that good behaviour can have positive consequences.
Time out and withdrawal of privileges: As a last resort, give one minute out for each year of life. For older children withdraw a specific privilege.
Explain very clearly the reason and when it is over you both forget and move forwards. Mean what you say: Be firm when no absolutely means no. You can listen and acknowledge your child’s view but sometimes you must be the adult. Remember: you are the child’s parent or family member, not their friend.
Dad: (to toddler putting his fingers into an electrical socket): “NO. That is very dangerous and I would be very sad if you got hurt.”
Be prepared to repeat the process calmly and firmly until your child understands.
Grandparent: “Say sorry to Rajid for pushing him.”
Child: “But he took my tractor when I was playing with it!”
Grandparent: “I can see you feel really cross, but we don’t push. Let him have it for five more minutes and then it will be your turn. I will count the time.”
Grandparent to child later when alone:
“If you really don’t want anyone to play with your tractor we can leave it in the cupboard next time.”
In this way you are still making sure that your child understands the concept of sharing while acknowledging his feelings but you are also negotiating an alternative which helps your child arrive at solutions.
Be a good role model: Children learn by example. You can’t expect them to tidy up their toys if you leave your stuff strewn around.
Tell them what you want: Ask for what you want rather than for what you don’t want. “Please put your coat away” rather than: “Don’t throw your coat on the floor”.
Avoid empty threats: Instead explain what your bottom line is and stick to it.
Give choices: Parent or adult carer: “I see you have quite a bit of homework tonight. How about having something to eat and then you can decide to get started on the homework and have a break later? Or would you prefer to have the break now and then do your homework?”
The ‘tidy your room’ debate: Families continuously bring this subject up on the helpline. It raises the whole issue of privacy, which is an important concept to teenagers. Try to negotiate boundaries and rules that allow teenagers to feel they have a private space that they have control over. Allow for an acceptable level of cleanliness to ensure a healthy environment.
Choose your battles: As your child gets older it may well be more sensible to steer away from the tidy room issue and concentrate on the more important issues like safety.