Setting boundaries for teens

Teen development

The changes that happen to your teenager - the physical, mental, emotional and social changes - can have a profound effect on the whole family. As the parent, it can seem important to keep things the same, such as you being the person giving the orders. But at a time when teenagers are developing and looking to new ways and a new self, having you give the orders and trying to put the brakes on the change can provoke even more defiance than they might have shown anyway.  

So, when your teenager defies you, you might reach for a way of exerting sanctions. Setting positive boundaries is something we do to help young people learn. The best way to get teenagers to behave in acceptable ways is to help them understand what they want and need, and to see how they can get those needs met in ways which don't upset other people.  

It's not punishment or control that your teenager needs when struggling with their conflicting emotions. It is usually hiding their need for attention, acceptance, independence and appreciation. When teenagers act up, they are often fighting to get these. You can help them by giving them plenty of time and attention, talking openly about the changes they are going through, helping them express their feelings, giving them love, reassurance and support. You can also tell them it's okay to feel bad, but not to behave badly, and share your own feelings with them using 'I' language, such as 'I feel' and 'I need'. 

When a child is small, we often use boundaries to protect them and keep them away from harm or danger. As they grow older and become teenagers, these boundaries naturally shift and change, but it’s still important to maintain your boundaries so that your teen knows what kind of behaviour is acceptable and feels safe knowing that you care. As all parents know, children like to test the limits of their boundaries and teenagers are no exception. In fact, they can be particularly adept at digging their heels in when orders are given. One way to stop this happening is to let them know why something is important.

Setting boundaries

Boundaries work far better if they are made and agreed together with teenagers. When teenagers understand the reasons behind your decision, and see that you've taken their opinions into account, they may be more motivated to co-operate. 

Rules can help you keep your child safe, but as they get older you will need to negotiate and let them take more responsibility for their own safety. As they grow older, there may be times when your values conflict with the values that your children are learning from other people and the media. This may be when you find yourself negotiating.

Talk to your teen and let them know what is important to you and why. Give them a chance to respond, and make sure you really listen. When you are genuinely willing to compromise, you may find that the conversation is much more effective, as your teen gains a sense of responsibility. Work out what is important to you and what you could let go. Too many boundaries can cause resentment and be impossible to maintain, so strike a balance and be prepared to re-negotiate.