Coping with bereavement

Understanding bereavement

Bereavement usually means losing someone we love through death and also follows on from change and loss. It is a devastating event, turning our world upside down and changing our lives forever. The death of a loved one is probably the worst loss we will ever experience. Grief is the reaction of over-riding intense pain and emotion that follows on from the death of someone who has been close to us. There is no single way to grieve. Everyone is different and each person grieves in his or her own way, and there is no telling how long it will take.

Coping with bereavement and grief

• Accept that it isn't unusual not to feel your 'normal' self. Be gentle with yourself for grief is an exhausting thing
• Let yourself experience the feelings you have about what has happened and talk to others about it - over and over again if you need to
• Write down all the feelings that are going around in your head, especially before going to bed as this may help you sleep better
• You may need to find out more about what happened if all the facts are not clear about how your loved one died. Sometimes you will never know
• Some return to routine can help as long as you try to balance this with time to reflect on what has happened to you. Try sticking to a regular routine of eating, sleeping, exercise and relaxation
• Look after yourself. Your self-esteem may have taken a real knock. Acknowledge yourself each time you achieve something, even if it is getting up in the morning or staying in bed to give yourself a rest. We can be very good at noticing all our mistakes and ignoring our good points, especially when we are feeling down
• Remembering happy times with the person who has died can be painful but nonetheless healing. Looking at photographs, making a memory book and keeping meaningful mementoes may help
• Take things slowly. You might want to delay making big changes such as moving house, starting a new relationship or changing job. You have already suffered a huge loss and need to adjust to that first

It may help to seek support from several sources. No one can grieve for you. You have to find your own path through your grief, but you do not have to walk the road alone.

Supporting your child

When a child has experienced bereavement, they may not understand what has happened and how to feel about this. Children may not have tools to process such complex emotions. Supporting your child through this is essential but it is important to look after yourself too.

Children need a safe space to talk about how they are feeling. Putting names to their feelings can help them. Encourage them to talk about their emotions, memories or any worries they may have. Reassure them that it is ok to feel sad, angry or scared and that this is a natural part of processing the loss.

Children might have many questions about death and what happens after someone dies. This is a natural part of their curiosity as they learn about the world around them. Some of the questions may not have simple answers and it is ok to say you are not sure. It is important to be patient and listen to them. They may want to get involved in the planning of the funeral or getting flowers, etc. Allow them the space to do this so they can say their goodbyes in a way that feels right for them.

Your child may look at you to understand how to react appropriately. Share your feelings in a way they understand and is simple. This shows them that grieving is a natural process when you have lost someone you care about. If they see you cry or get upset, this is ok as it teaches them that this is a part of the healing process.

Life may feel a bit chaotic and stressful so keeping to a regular routine can provide them with stability and normality. This also gives them the predictability that they need to heal from the loss. 

It is natural that your child may have some difficulties with their behaviour as they process the bereavement. They may withdraw, feel angrier than usual or have issues with sleeping or anxious feelings. They may need some extra support and lots of reassurance. If you feel they need additional support, please do speak to your GP. It is important to let the school know that they have experienced this bereavement as they may be able to offer support within the school environment.

Other organisations that can be helpful

Samaritans

Cruse Bereavement Care

British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy

Coping when a child or baby dies

Compassionate Friends

Child Death Helpline

SANDS - Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society (UK)

Babyloss

Miscarriage Association

Supporting bereaved children and young people

Childhood Bereavement Network

Child Bereavement Trust

Winston's Wish