6min read
Talking to your child about sex
Children and young people are learning about sex and relationships from soaps, magazines, adverts and their friends. The media is full of confusing messages about sex and it can seem like everyone is doing it all the time.
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Why it is important to talk
Talking with their parents helps young people to feel safer and less anxious, allowing them to make up their own minds about the choices they take. It also gives them the confidence to talk to future partners about their relationship, sex and contraception.
Making time to talk shows you are there to support your children as they grow up. It does not mean that you are encouraging them to have sex. By talking to your children about sex, you can help them to sort out fact from fiction, understand the changes in their bodies, and talk openly about feelings and relationships.
Talking to younger children
It can be difficult to know what discussions are necessary or appropriate at what age and difficult to consider talking about sex with a child you still see as young and innocent.
If your child is aged between 5 and 8 years of age, it can be helpful to start talking about puberty. Girls can start periods as early as 8 so need to be prepared and understand what happens and why. Boys also need to know about periods and about the changes that will happen to their bodies. Give them accurate information about these changes
Discuss the mechanics of sex simply but honestly – for example you could talk about a special seed that it is inside daddies which combines with an egg inside mummies. Books or age-appropriate websites like BBC can be helpful in explaining this.
Talking to pre-teens
Older children may not want to admit that there are things they don’t understand, so try asking them to tell you what they know and fill in the gaps or discuss issues together
Emphasise relationships, not just sex. Discuss, for example, the importance of respecting your partner and waiting until both partners are ready. You also need to make sure they understand the importance of contraception and the risks of pregnancy and STDs. This should help them make informed decisions as they get older, particularly when facing pressure from peers or partners
Talking to teens
Teenagers learn about sex and relationships in many ways, from their friends, social media, friends and online. The different messages they hear can be confusing and that is why it’s important for parents to give their teenagers the chance to talk about what they know, or don't know and what choices they have, whatever their own views are.
Young people say they want their parents to talk to them about relationships, responsibilities and values and not just about biology. They may find it hard to talk about or feel embarrassed. Be reassuring, start the conversation at a time when you are both relaxed and getting on okay, not during an argument or when either of you are feeling annoyed about something. Listen to and talk with them, not at them. If they don't seem ready to talk, don't start nagging or laying down the law. Once you've broken the ice, next time you say something it may be much easier.
All children are different. Adapt how you talk and listen, especially when talking about risky behaviour including sex. Some teenagers prefer reading information whilst others find it easier to talk things through. Most will need more than one conversation. Being open and available when needed is extremely important.
Keep an open mind. Your teenager may be confused about their sexuality and feelings. They may worry that no-one will be interested in them, or that they don't seem to be interested in sex. They may know or think that they are bisexual, lesbian or gay. You may feel shocked, upset or even angry - but they deserve your respect and support whatever your opinion about their sexuality.
Young people often talk about being pressured into early sex and they need help in delaying until they feel it is right for them. Open discussion can help them think things through and give them the confidence to resist these pressures. The majority of young people don't have sex before 16. Those who do are much more likely to regret it and not use contraception.
Contraception and safer sex
It is a good idea to start talking about contraception before your children become teenagers if possible. Both boys and girls have to understand that they must share the responsibility if they decide to have sex, and make sure they are protected from pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. It's very important for boys and girls to think about what pregnancy means and to know about condoms so they feel confident enough to insist that a condom is used, and comfortable enough to get them from the clinic or the chemist themselves.
Sexual health
Young people need to know how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted infections (STI) as well as pregnancy. STIs often have no symptoms so encourage them to get themselves tested and to be responsible for their physical and sexual health.
Parents need to remind young people that only condoms protect against infection. Even if a girl is on the pill, it's important to use condoms as well, as the pill will only help prevent pregnancy. By talking about STIs and condoms you and help your teenagers understand the risk and protect themselves.
If there is any possibility that your teenager might have caught an STI, you should encourage him or her to contact your nearest NHS Sexual Health or GUM (Genito-urinary medicine) clinic as soon as possible. Your GP or nurse can give you details. If you would rather keep it private, you can search for the information online.
What if I don’t know the answer?
Sometimes even very young children may ask a question that you don’t know the answer to. Don’t be embarrassed or worried about this, and certainly don’t let it put you off having a full discussion. Simply answer that you don’t know but that you can find out together. As children get older, they often feel like they have to pretend to know everything about sex or risk looking stupid. By seeing that even adults don’t know everything, your child may be less ashamed to ask questions in the future.
Further resources
If you would like further support and advice, call our helpline on 0808 800 2222 or email us at askus@familylives.org.uk. You can talk to us online via our live chat service or message us via WhatsApp on 07441 444125 to connect with experienced professional family support workers and highly-trained volunteers. You may find it helps to find out how other parents and carers have coped with this on our online forums. We also have a range of free self-guided online parenting courses that can help through the ages and stages of parenting.
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