Many people feel unsure of the role grandparents and stepgrandparents play in stepfamilies. During divorce, separation or remarriage, grandparents, like the children, do not have much of a say in the changes which take place. Yet they may be involved in providing considerable support. Grandparents and stepgrandparents can be advocates for their grandchildren – understanding their challenging behaviour, helping them to understand decisions made on their behalf by their parents, and helping parents to see their children’s point of view.
What are the issues for grandparents and stepgrandparents?
Grandparents can provide practical support at times of family change and upheaval but they may find this hard. Many may have thought that they had got to a stage in their lives where they no longer had to care directly for children.
Being a stepgrandparent is not the same as being a grandparent – there is no biological connection. It takes time to develop affection, responsibility and loyalty. It is a complicated role and has to be negotiated with all the other family members some of whom may seem very distant. For all the adults involved the welfare of the children should be the priority.
How much support can I give without interfering?
This is the classic grandparent dilemma, and there are no easy answers. Grandparents and stepgrandparents may have very strong views about how their children are behaving in relation to their grandchildren and stepgrandchildren, so attempts at support can be charged with emotion for all concerned. Try to focus on the needs of all the children, and try to provide help that is wanted, rather than help that you want to give. If you are unsure of what to offer, or hurt because your offers are rejected, you may want to talk to someone neutral and can speak to one of our Family Support Workers at Family Lives.
Should the grandparents related to the non-resident parent retain contact with their grandchildren?
If at all possible contact should be maintained. Children need the reassurance that not all the adults in their lives are changing their roles and relationships with them. Children need to know that their grandparents still love them. Contact may be especially important if a parent or stepparent has died. This can be difficult for all the adults to recognise as they struggle with their own grief. Research shows that children do need reminders of their parent who has passed away, especially of their positive qualities, and do need to be allowed to talk about that parent.
Research suggests that children’s adjustment to family upheaval can be helped by the presence of a loving, fair and supportive adult in their lives. Grandparents and stepgrandparents are well placed to take this role.
How will contact be arranged?
Don’t be afraid to take the first step. At times of family upheaval parents find it complicated enough to get on with their daily life, let alone make arrangements which may involve travel.
Should stepgrandparents treat grandchildren and stepgrandchildren the same?
Ideally yes! Think of it from the children’s point of view. How would it feel if birthday presents are bigger for your grandchildren than for stepgrandchildren? What impact would it have on the family relationships?
More complicated issues arise over inheritance. Some people have strong feelings about wanting only their birth children and their grandchildren to inherit from them. Alternatively you may wish to treat both grandchildren and stepgrandchildren equally. Either way you need to make a will and if possible explain your thinking to your children. A family lawyer can advise on the legal issues for stepfamilies. Remember, there is no automatic provision for stepchildren or stepgrandchildren.
You also need to think about the situation from the opposite perspective. What if you become frail or unwell or need help? What support would you hope for from your stepchildren and stepgrandchildren?
- Do remember that all children need love, reassurance and continuity at times of change and uncertainty, so stay in touch
- Do treat all children fairly and take pride in step grandchildren’s achievements as well as in your grandchildren’s achievements
- Do allow time for new relationships to develop
- Do seek help and advice – it shows that you are taking your concerns seriously
- Don’t think that stepfamily life is easy – it isn’t
- Don’t think forming a stepfamily is second best – it is a new family and offers the hope of new relationships and closeness for adults and children
- Don’t believe all the myths about stepmothers and stepfathers – many stepparents work hard to provide a loving and caring family environment for the children
We are here for you
It may help to chat to other parents on our forums to find out how they are dealing with this issue within their family life. You can also talk to us online via our live chat service, email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or call us on our helpline on 0808 800 2222 to speak to trained family support worker.